Thank you all for coming. I have a brief announcement, then I will field your questions.
I have decided against seeking the nomination to run for President of the United States in 2012. I repeat: I will not seek the presidency in 2012.
Several months of exploration, day after day of fervent prayer, and a six-pack of Labatt’s Blue all went into this decision, which is final. Here are my solemn vowels… the reasons I will not run:
America needs a strong leader, now more than ever: an individual of singular vision, steel-spined determination and bold action.
That ain’t me. It is not uncommon for me to spend ten minutes in the cereal aisle debating the pros and cons of Post versus store brand. Any “Special Interest” lobbyist, corporate multi-nationalist or international terrorist appearing at the Oval Office door with a cute l’il abandon kitten would get whatever they want from me, especially if the international terrorist was three feet tall, wore pigtails and spoke with a slight lithp.
Elitism has run rampant in the Oval Office.
And THAT is a very good thing. In the 222 year history of the U.S. Presidency, only 44 men have held the post. The President of the United States is the single most powerful human being on planet earth. Elite is a given. Please, let him/her hold a degree from a university that wouldn’t accept my application for a parking pass. Let him/her speak four languages. May he/she have no idea who Snooki is. Let him/her be smarter, more successful and far more erudite than I could ever hope to be.
Elite I am not, and elite the president must be.
Informed individuals only need apply.
As ashamed as I am to admit it, I get most of my news from NPR, PBS and the BBC, so I spent my morning watching the Network news shows this a.m., just to see how out-of-touch with the American people I have allowed myself to become.
Did you know that someone named Justin Bieber got a haircut?!? People are, like, all “OH MY GAWD!” He lost 80,000 Twitter followers over it!
And not only that, Charlie Sheen is now dating a mystery blonde with a history in graphic…design?!? And, like, Kate and Prince William are really going just cuh-razy planning their wedding, while perfectly adorable and notoriously mischievous Prince Harry is planning the Bachelor Party?!? And Sarah Palin is all, like, “whateverrrr…” over this book her former BFF is writing about how absolutely SKANK she really is?
I didn’t know these matters of greatest importance to the American people, as NPR, PBS and BBC fritter away my precious time with distracting reports of two American-led wars, revolutionary meltdowns in Northern Africa and the Middle East, national and international economic crises, renewed labor struggles funded by the Koch brothers, and the role of new media in the spread of democratic ideals, perhaps reducing the influence of Islamic extremism. (Honestly, how ironic that the only way to miss all the coverage of the royal wedding is to watch the BRITISH Broadcasting Corporation?!?)
I’m just too poorly informed and out of touch with the American people, I guess.
Overactive bladder Um... 'nuff said?
Underdog 9 a.m. every Friday morning on the Cartoon Network. Cabinet meetings and tense, eleventh hour negotiations would have to wait until I knew Sweet Polly Purebread was absolutely safe.
Underdog 9 a.m. every Friday morning on the Cartoon Network. Cabinet meetings and tense, eleventh hour negotiations would have to wait until I knew Sweet Polly Purebread was absolutely safe.
So there you have it in a nutshell. I will not seek the nomination, and, if nominated, I will not run, and, if I run, I will not win, and, if I win, I will not serve, and if I serve, I will not… I think you get the picture.
All this to say, I think I’d make a really poor president. What kind of president would you be? Huh?
I am relieved. I could never make the fashionista grade as first lady. I am much too outspoken to simply flash a gentile smile when some bozo comments on our children's life choices. I could not refrain from ripping into someone who questions my patriotism or my faith because of lapel pins I choose or choose not to wear. I could never stand to listen to pundits who would distort your positions to distort their ratings. I do not suffer fools, and I could never compromise my integrity to pander to the masses. God bless the first ladies who have been propped up, scrutinized, and ripped to shreds for the sake of their husbands' ideals.
ReplyDeleteCorey, just be realizing above mentioned things, you might very well be qualified.
ReplyDeleteThank for making my day, this was on of the best internet posts, globally, in a looong time. You just made my day ( whatever is left of it on this side of the globe)
Keep up the writing.
Best wishes on your upcoming campaign. I might just change citizenship in order to be eligable to vote...
//Håkan
I'm glad you're not running, Corey. I'd make a lousy Attorney General. I'd be hard pressed not to hoof over to Capitol Hill and slap the orange tan off the Speaker's face.
ReplyDeleteI'd be tempted to take the role of Press Secretary just so I could ignore the rep from Fox Noise. But again, the slapping thing. (I'd only make him cry.)
Besides, I wouldn't be able to withstand the scrutiny of my personal history if I ran for Dog Catcher, much less a federal post. It would make for some especially heinous "journalism" since I can not muster any regret for any of it.
By the way, I hear Britney's new video rocks! And something about Lady Gaga being both nearly naked AND purple! Holy kee-rap!
I think that this country could use a new dynasty since the Kennedy's are so passe. I am convinced the Keyes' family should be the next political dynasty because of the above statements not in spite of them.
ReplyDeleteThank goodness you've decided not to run! I'm afraid that Doug would be considered the Billy Bush of your presidency, which would reflect directly on me (given my commitment to him).
ReplyDeleteWendy
"Doug beer" doesn't have near the marketing pizazz as "Billy beer"...so I agree.
ReplyDeleteBREAKING NEWS!
ReplyDeleteJennifer Anniston ALSO got a new SEXY haircut.
(Oh, God, please, make it stop!)
Is there a White House media critic position open? Didn't think so. Can't bite the hand that sometimes feeds you, no matter what is caked under the nails.
What a paradox of leadership, people think it's "good to be king" but fail to realize that no one really likes the leader, that even the most charismatic among us is confronted by enemies and critics.
ReplyDeleteI'd rather find a very remote village and become an elder, or a village council member and go back to the practice of listening instead of deciding, mediating between neighbors, reminding them that our entire existence relies on their collaboration. Encouraging a strong community, celebrating rites of passages for children or their achievements as they discover their pathway. Sharing in traditions that reinforce our spiritual nature and help us to feel rooted and connected and reaffirmed in our values. While status would most likely exist, we would understand how it is earned, and that the road would be equitable to those who strive towards earning it. While differences would exist, we would be able to identify those differences as strengths because of the wisdom imparted to us that as they are different, they are an essential part of us as a whole.
If that village were to exist, I think I could make a good candidate, and yet if that wasn't my path, I'm certain I would find my place.
But instead I'm a demographic in a "civilized" world of which I could never fathom having the desire to lead. Mostly because I don't think I could resist the urge, as another high powered Congress person explained to me, in high falooting terms, using a condescending tone of voice, with a stupid smirk plastered on their face, why we couldn't possibly, feed the hungry, negotiate peace, create systems of equity and justice, ensure human rights, eliminate poverty, educate children effectively, pay all workers fairly, create access for all to health care, or eradicate AIDS,...to cock my head to the side and bluntly respond, "Are you f****** kidding me?" And then I'd be impeached.
Where I come from it has become a custom to deny that you are in fact running. For som odd reason...
ReplyDeleteWich means I am still waiting for a pressrelease stating the obvious, you are in fact running.
It is either either you paint your upstate NY house yourselves, or move to DC and have that big white house painted and maintained included in the rent. Sweet deal. You also get to work around the clock. Not a bad thing.....
And yes, Hakan, I have simultaneously thrown my hat in the ring as a candidate for Swedish Prime Minister, which, of course, means I am definitely not running, which, of course, means I definitely am.
ReplyDeleteKristin, I can't believe a member of Congress was actually that HONEST with you about how myopic and ineffectual they really are. It would be refreshing if it wasn't so darned sad.
Wendy, while I am not running, I have heard nothing from the Turnbull camp regarding Doug's political ambitions. I wouldn't breathe that sigh of relief just yet...
Teresa, you'd be the best first lady ever. I was going to say you'd be a bitchin' First Lady, but wasn't sure how that'd be interpreted. I think you'd make an even better president, but the lack of a certain appendage apparently still eliminates you from serious consideration.
Kendall, depending on the haircut, I may announce that Jennifer Anniston will not be my Secretary of State when I don't run for President, nor for Swedish Prime Minister.
Luann, I suspect you are only encouraging a Keyes-family rush to power for all the millions you could make from the tell-all book you would write. Am I right or am I VERY right?
i don't know what there could possibly be to tell-all...but i may have a few photos for a coffee table book. lol
ReplyDeleteIt amazes me that anyone would consider even reading the papers, watching the news, due to propaganda. It would be important for all to read information and research from your local university and sit down to communicate with professors and chairmen from different fields that can help one gain more intellectual insight of that particular study. Also, it is important for an individual to have lived in different countries, to understand different perspectives on life, with much communication without judgment. It will make your life more bearable as you search quest of such knowledge.
ReplyDeleteIn regard to politicians, their usual tendency to gain power is through law, besides being rich. Thus, that leaves everyone out on this forum (web page) for election. Even with the Bible, that is a book of stories that powerful men of the church that decided what should be left in and out. Is that not abuse of power and propaganda? In order to make changes, you have to go through the corrupt and most powerful. Realistically, it will not happen, since you will end up a missing person or dead, due those in power that will not relinquish their personal power, nor wealth.
One brief note, a metaphor of using Jennifer Anniston was not the best example. Actually, the only reason an intellectual woman would want to see her knew hair style or colour is to find out which salon she went, too! Intelligent women and men do realize that looking their best is the first impression she or he will give some one. Once one is past the superficial stage, then the communication can begin (real life). Research that one in your Human psyche, or is that to difficult? It is my personal belief that every able citizen go to at least a four year college and have a G.P.A of 3.5 or above. If not, please do not express yourself, but basic needs.
Welcome, Anonymous. Your comment caused this old post to pop up again two and a half years since I last saw it. How much the world hasn't changed since then! Anyway, thanks for finding this and posting. Can't say I'm in total agreement with you regarding your proposed educational requirement for public expression, but I think I recognize the soil from which it has grown.
ReplyDeletePeace,
Corey
Just a lack of tolerance on ignorance.
ReplyDeleteBlessings...